“Your ideas are good but this paper does not fit the academic writing standards. 

The structure of the essay must be the following:

1) Introduction paragraph where you state your main thesis

2) one paragraph where you give arguments from the first reading to support your thesis

3) one paragraph where you give the argument from the second reading to support your thesis

4) conclusion where you summarize your main idea and your arguments, paraphrasing them. No new information in the conclusion.”

Gulnaz