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Revise my personal statement according the comments?


1.please revise the personal statement according the comments. 

2.write a summary of the revised personal statement.

3.make a story board follow the instruction.

Envisioning:  Your Video

Videographers use storyboarding to plan their work. Read the following instructions, then use the attached template to sketch images and describe audio for your own video shoots. Run some trial filming using your phone.  Revise the storyboard and upload an image of it here.


Your video may simply be a film version of the presentation based on your Personal Statement and/or Leadership Philosophy, perhaps including images from your presentation slide deck. Film your own “Ted Talk”! Your video might also be a personal vlog, perhaps on life during a Pandemic, for example. You may also produce a creative film with other design elements, storytelling, or ….  You must appear in some part of it, though (for example, with introductory and/or concluding remarks).


Create a video based on your Personal Statement Paper or any of our class themes on leadership and management communications. Consider readings and team presentation topics you found compelling in this class or others. Consider the story arc of your life experiences. Consider work and educational highlights, your own vision and mission. Consider intersections of leadership concepts with your own career aspirations. Consider audience, define your purpose, write a thesis statement, and narrow your topic to a few key points.


· The recommendation is to plan and film a three- to five-minute video.

· Your video must be 3 minutes minimum, 6 minutes max. 

Filming and editing:

This does not have to be a highly professional production, but make it impactful through your content, delivery, supporting materials, and creativity. Pay attention to set(s), lighting, composition, movement, eye contact and body language, sound track, props, etc. Pay attention to editing. If you are filming your video with a phone, this may simply involve planned stops and starts–editing as you go. Feel free to explore more sophisticated options and tap into the following resources:

· Work with a Writing Center Coach to refine your script and edit your slides.

· Consult with UW Bothell Open Learning Lab consultants if you’d like to work with iMovie, Final Cut Pro, or other video software programs.

· Contact UW IT if you’d like to rent camera or lighting equipment.

· Collaborate with classmates on brainstorming, peer reviews, filming and editing. 


Who is your target audience? 

· Your video will be shown to classmates.

· Your video may be shown to faculty members.

· Your video could be posted on social media if you choose.

· Your video could be attached to a school or job application. 

· Your video could be for your key stakeholders and loved ones.

· Your video is for yourself.

Note: the following eight-frame storyboard template is designed for a 30-second ad spot. You will likely need more than one page to storyboard your longer video. Read the instructions below about how to complete your storyboard.




Submit an executive summary of your leadership paper, following winter term revisions based on peer reviews, Writing Center Reviews, instructor reviews, further reflection, and related work on your presentation and/or video. This might also be a one-pager, poster, collage, social media kit, or mixed media version. (See me with a creative proposal.)

Executive Summary 

The Executive Summary provides a one- to two-page overview of your Personal Statement on Leadership. Readers will be able to scan it quickly for important themes, key points, and strong statements or recommendations. 


You will already have completed another reading and revision of your Personal Statement. The Executive Summary will offer a concise but powerful overview of the following content elements:

· thesis statement: your main topic

· any pertinent background information

· analysis of leadership, business, and ethics considerations

· strong conclusion


The Executive Summary will likely follow the same order as your essay. Use of the following format features will help you to organize your summary, prioritize information, and highlight your main themes:

· Title and subheads

· Bullet points

· Bold and italics   


Be creative. Pay attention to design. Feel free to add relevant infographics and/or images that you would include in a powerpoint presentation!


This exercise is designed to hone your skills in critical thinking and business writing. Being able to condense a Personal Statement into this format is useful practice for other business writing, including research reports, business proposals, project reports, and marketing pieces.   

Bring out your best style and be clear, concise, informative, and compelling.  


Personal Statement

I have an unwavering passion for serving people in any set business environment. This has been exemplified after doing a course specializing in finance offered by University of Washington Bothell Business School. The experience drives my motivation and determination to venture into this field. My passion for developing talent and leadership development has dramatically impacted my life and career choice. This is based on my recent experience on the importance of advanced learning on human resources management and development from my current work as Senior Manager, Human Resources department in a high technology company. I have discovered that with finances, I will be in a position to contribute positively to the development of this great organization. Financial knowledge is essential in the advancement of human experience and practices and managerial issues…

For the preceding periods, I have been working in a restaurant. I became a more responsible and a good decision-maker. I developed effective leadership, financial, and management skills. This requires to be developed more to increase my contribution to this vast field of human resources. My past working experience at a restaurant made me realize the importance of serving the needs of customers. Similarly, in a service business it is a crucial matter to solve customers’ issues within an organization. Currently, several departments in different firms are facing a complicated relationship between line managers and their colleagues within the human resources department. I will be able to apply the learned customer care theories to ensure that the organizations flourish.

The customer care service qualifications from UW of Management will be helpful in that I will be capable of solving current challenges in a service business in the hospitality industry. I can flourish with a team that is equally passionate about making an impact in the field of customer care delivery. From the organizational mission statement, I have learned that the organization offers me an opportunity to integrate the theory on the school of management and understudy life, and to sharpen and extend my current expertise potential. I will gain from the specialists; by learning from other colleagues whom I value would be remarkable educators and profoundly regarded in their field.

My short term goal is to further my knowledge and experience in accounting. Currently, I have an undergraduate degree in accounting, and I believe the Silver Cloud Hotel will provide me with the best opportunity to further my knowledge in this field concerning the professional experience. It is my understanding that the organization is increasingly focused on activities that need to be performed within institutions where continuous improvement and assessment of these activities are considered essential for success. Taking a position on the front desk office in a bustling hotel is not a walk in the park, it means I will have to work hard and make several sacrifices. I am happy to be a hard worker. Since childhood, I have held this belief that hard work pays. As such, I have realized that the only way to meet my ambitions is by working hard. I was a hard worker at school, but I am even a very hard worker than a student. I work 32 hours a week; this will assist me to get aligned with the company's goals and missions. I work efficiently and responsibly to gain leadership and improve my ability to communicate. I often strive to overcome the hardship of the language being Chinese. I pay attention to learn in all my efforts to be the best. I conquer challenges by my willpower and my spirit of never giving up. I do an excellent job on both sides.

I am quite good in financial mathematics and related skills. This love for business mathematics and its broader application in life has made me be on top of my class up to now. I have always emerged the best in computing some of the mathematical concepts both in my classwork and generally live. Financial mathematics is a vital subject to live in estimating quantities required in various applications. Such discovery has inspired me to seek further studies in mathematics. With past excellent performances in math, I will be in a position to transfer the same performance to my workplace. This is an indication of my ability to grasp the content being practiced in the hotel and apply them appropriately. I am interested in learning how every department works, as I feel it will help me to solve some of the problems facing humanity in the current world and climb the corporate ladder in corporate positions.

I am quite passionate about computers and will use them to develop mathematical models to use in valuation and advising clients. I take traveling as my hobby and have enabled me to learn a lot in life. I am an outgoing person and will make use of these attributes to create a conducive working atmosphere for me and others. In this way, I will end up being a notable and regarded pioneer in the nourishment business, reviving the manners in which nourishment is created and showcased to make more advantageous items to assist individuals with living better lives. I will offer the best specialized help and client care to our customers, improving their organizations and lives, and endeavor to take care of issues with an inspirational mentality that spreads to my colleagues.

Concerning my lifetime career as career counseling, which I have undertaken immediately, I left high school, and my primary professional goal is to attain my degree in business administration to serve the needs of customers. Having reached my educational skills, I am much hopeful that my application will match your organizational selection criteria in the front desk office. I am a self-dedicated and creative person having robust commitment and expertise in planning as well as delivering instructional and recreational activities for learners and learners of various ages. I am skilled in facilitating learning experiences via individual assistance alongside team members. I am talented in offering administrative support and resolving problems of administration. Likewise, I have a proficient acquaintance in Chinese and English languages, and this would make me communicate well with the alien customers, particularly from Asian countries speaking Chinese.

My language prowess makes me be a versatile and proactive problem solver having excellent communication skills. Having internalized the well-being of my community to be my own, I have drawn a robust summary that I will be capable of rendering them my services as a front desk officer. I have an interest in complex associations that exist between anxiety, depression, and trauma. This will assist me in guiding the customers or co-workers and employees who appear to be having mental disorders. Also, drug and substance abuse has been a menace in my society. I have undertaken a short course on the eradication of substance abuse in communities. Through this, I will be able to get the root cause of the problem and come up with some curative measures; thus, all the customers shall not be rejected due to mental disability. I am experienced in how to solve customer problems, having worked in a restaurant earlier. My work experience in a restaurant taught me to comprehend that the needs of customers are significant.

I do believe with my achievements, I will be an asset rather than a liability in the Silver Cloud Hotel thus help in the progress and growth of your organization. My aspiration is to become one of the management team.  Being part of a management team is a major advance up in light of the fact that it contributes you with more force and more noteworthy obligation. This is one of the most widely recognized profession goals and it typically fueled by needing additional finance.

Based on my experience, when taking orders from clients, I often ask them if they have any specific requirements. This assists in promoting cross-selling and up-selling in an organization. I will be at the forefront of facilitating the best activities which assist in satisfying the needs of customers in a client- facing position. I hope to engage with the customers socially to build their self-esteem as well as offer them tools that shall help them handle their demands in the hospitality sector. These activities, for sure, will make the customers comprehend why they need excellent services equivalent to the value for their money. Additionally, they will be able to understand what can be done to avert or reduce loss.

I am fascinated by my constant focus on developing relationships which shall thrive due to kindness and compassionate regards to people. It is imperative to promote a conducive environment, which is sensitive to the lifestyle of the customers. As an excellent communicator, I yearn to bring good rapport and authenticity in our relationships with the patients. I vow to take full advantage concerning my professional background to assist as many people as possible.

Through clear communication of set goals, I will assist the customer in being hopeful about the services they get from the Silver Cloud Hotel. To make my customer career to be active, it is imperative to communicate the truth people but not coddle them. The feedback from colleagues, clients, and supervisors shall enhance my customer service relationships will be appreciated.

Pivotal to rapport establishment with the multicultural customers, I will strive to learn other cultures and show eagerness to study more about other sub-tribes.


Your Personal Statement expresses your drive to learn and thrive in the work environment, gaining skills in finance, customer relations, teamwork, and people management. Your writing style is fluid and powerful and you are gaining excellent skills in using the English language. Your hard work and high aspirations to continue to develop your math and financial skills are admirable. As I noted on your first draft comments, part of this paper is more like an employment application letter to Silver Cloud. For your presentation and video this Spring, you may want to leave that out and focus on your leadership philosophy, inspirational longer-term goals, and personal story-telling. Click "view feedback" for some editorial suggestions. Keep up the great work!

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